Monday, December 14, 2009 @ 2:03 AM
14th December 2009No improvement. Still the same. Argue.....peace..........argue......peace... haiz...why you keep asking me to change? i just want you to love me as who i am! why expect me to change my lifestyle, the way i speaks, the way i show my love? perhaps i am just lack of experiences being a girlfriend or perhaps you are too experienced? sometimes i really suspect my love for you.. do i really love you? i asked myself, is it because of my hard hearted character? why didn't i cry everytime we got into a fight? instead you did? if you were to leave me one day, will i cry? (to be continued, ended work.)
Yes, tears are threathening to flow down. I guess it will,after i end this entry. I went jogging after work.Saw my mum. She went to the park for a stroll with my godmum after dinner.My mum offered to accompany for dinner. so we went. She told me, at first she suspected that i was lying when i told my godmum i am going for exercise. She thought i was using exercise as an excuse to meet you.is it necessary i got to do this?
You always said that i didn't care for your feeling and pride. Did you care about mine in the first place? Do you know the problem i am facing? my feeling? You said i never share my problems and feelings with you,but can you solve it for me?can you lessen the burden for me? can you make me feel better? NO! I am just refering to one and only issue. MEETING.
My mum tongue lashed me on the way back home after dinner. Keep asking me not to meet you so often. once or twice a week will do. I said i did told you that, but what's the outcome? arguements. and what did she say? Go ahead and argue,he want he take it,can't accept this kind of arrangements, so be it. I doesnt blame my mum, she just don't like us to be too attached. She is afraid that i might get hurt or i may hurt you with we were to break off. She doesn't want your mum to be upset to see that when you have a girlfriend,seldom see you at home.(opps....tears are rolling down my cheeks)
If i were to tell you all this, can you help? what can you do? Maybe for this moment, you will say yes to all arrangement, but after weeks?or in worse case, days? BACK TO ORIGINAL! Like you once said, ok...1 week at least meet once, you will be happy. But now? i meet you on friday night,saturday afternoon (for volunteer event), sunday meeting you again to shop around...you are still not contented! 3 days in a row! not enough?! YES,meeting me can nv be enough for you. You are asking for saturday night(after the event) as well. I turned you down, and you sounded unhappy again. Dear ar.....can you just don't be so attached to me? it's really making me hard to breathe! I thought you promised me not to stick to me that much? Now? BACK TO ORIGINAL!
Yesterday, we broke the ice after 4 days of arguements. we went for steamboat. seems happy ar? here comes the problem again. i turn you down when u asked me to get a drink for you. You are sitting there, not as if you are busy or injured or whatsoever, you are sitting there doing nothing! and you are asking me to get you a drink? That's being very ungentlement to me. You take my sis as a comparision, yes, she did help her bf take drinks, that is because her bf i busy with the food! With this, you said i am not showing concern about you, doesn't have the basic of a girlfriend.The power of a drink....can never be estimated. Can make us start an argument! doesn't have the basic of a gf.. you mean you have? other's bf send their gf back when it's late...wait for his gf for hours to knock off..buy dinner for her gf when she is having OT. You? stay at home. did i balme you? did i ask you to be like them? Others expect their bf to pay for all expenses, did i? Instead, i am the 1 who send you home, i am the one who drove around hunting for tiramisu when you are feeling low, i am the one who are paying for all the major expenses. Did i ever complain a single thing?
You are are easily contented, but never will be contented enough. Your memories are short. Sweet memories can only last for limited time. Why just can't you think of my good points when i can't meet your expectation? Why do you tends to maximise the negative points? haiz....till today, i don't balme you. To me, everyone is individual. have different character. Love to me, is when i met that somebody who i can adapt my live into his and he can adapt to mine without changing themselve. That will be my mr.right. You said this afternoon that i am always putting myself into consideration 1st. i can tell you i didn't. This lead to another issue! Your christmas present is the 1st present i thought of! IPOD? TEE? TEMPERTURE MUG? i just wanna surprise you if a present for our very first christmas together. But you said started another agrument saying that i get other's gift and never thought of you..putting other's first. Believe it or not, your gift was the 1st i planned. i even planned hide the gift in your room during christmas and inform you only on 25th morning. But seems like i doesn't need to do this anymore. After i explain briefly to you about my intention, you said. OK! we have a gift exchange. Ha, just don't want you to waste money...we'll be going Bangkok soon..even if you get me a gift, what can you get? something that i will use and like or something i want? If you get something that i wouldn't use, it's a waste of money right?
Haiz, sometimes i am just thinking. Am i too muture for you? i want you to be more practical! have goals in your life, able to let me see our future! You are always so into Love...because of love, you can don't be bothered about any other things. After all maybe i am still career minded. ha...care about your feeling and pride...did you care about mine? do you know how sad and stress your girlfriend is? who cares about mine? You always said you are swallowing unhappiness into yourself....you called this swallow? you are just adding you unhappiness into mine...
Is this a test put to our relationship? Is our relatioship strong enough to overcome all these? you shouted at me over the phone just now. i know you are angry. but for? to make yourself more manly?? why can't you just keep your cool? CONTROL your mood? i through your once told me can control? cannot venge your mood onto others? Haiz....you said everything. but always twisting your words around. I cried is not because of you. Its because i am stressed. No matter what i do, it will never be right. I am crying because i took pity on myself, everytime i tried to make someone happy,the other party will get unhappy. But who cares about my feeling? who is making me happy? Time to turn in.......crying really makes people tired.
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