Monday, April 5, 2010 @ 3:55 AM
5th April 2010I cried in front of you on 4th,2.30am. I am really unhappy and sad. This is my first time, crying because of boyfriend, crying in front of a man. I really don't understand what you want and think. I really don't...why do you like to see me unhappy whenever i have an outing with my friends? Just because you are bored at home...feeling unhappy and you want me to be unhappy with you? Don't let me enjoy myself? If that is so...i am really disappointed with your selfish thinking. Don't get angry...i am just thinking/guessing if thats your intention for the quarrel.
I already told you able jas's birthday and the surprise planned for her.
On thursday morning, i went goodwood park hotel to get my godmum and your family durian pastry since its durian feast. After my tuition at about 10pm, zhao ling, me and You went jalan kayu for prata and mustafa to get the balloons and etc. I reached home at about 3am and went tombsweeping early in the morning...woke up at about 6am. After tombsweeing..i took a nap and meet you for out anniversary dinner at vivo,The Kind Louis. We spent 3hrs at that restuarant. The food was good, but we waited 1.5hrs for the food to be served! After which, we went clubbing with jie lun and de xiang. I cancelled my tuition on saturday morning knowing that i will reaching home late. I suggested to club, because it had been a long time since you last went. I drove you home. And i remembered clearly, your said you are very happy and asked me to enjoy myself on saturaday at jasmine's birthday.I reached home at about 4am.
On saturday morning till early afternoon, we were fine too....you told me to enjoy myself at the dinner too..but till about 3 plus, you complaint that you are bored, by then..i predict we will end up quarreling. What's new? This is always the case.. haha..you get bored, start to get irrated and quarrel! hahah...as time goes by, in the evening...you start to be unreasonable...asking me to meet 1030pm at orchard...KNOWING that i have a dinner and surprise on...i will not end till at least midnight. we quarrelled...and you said meet after event. I got angry with you and i suggested meet jurong...knowing that it is impossible. Finally i agreed to meet you after event, i will drive up to your place. In the end, you asked me not to come. asked me to go home. Are you testing me? You wanna see if i will push my friends away and meet you? Is it what you wanna know? how important you are to me? If that's so, i am really a failure. Till today, my boyfriend still thinks that he is not important to me...this is not the 1st time. Every outing with bananas throughtout this 8 months, never once you let me enjoyed my outing with them. Never. reuion dinner, CNY visit to my place,my birthday,jasmine's birthday....have you been testing me? To see how important you are to me? What if i agreed to meet you 10.30pm? Will your REALLY meet me? or you will say "it's ok...don meet"?
To me...If you really love someone, be it he or she is with you or not, you will want him or her to be happy. Are you loving me? Do you know how tough and hard it is for me to put up a strong front in front of banana everytime? Pretending nothing happened...Ha, after 8mths of acting in front of friends,family and you, pretending to be happy. I break down. I don't understand why do you always wanna spoil my enjoyable day with quarrels. Can't you just bare with it for 1 more days or hours before we quarrel? At least i don't need to pretend nothing happen in front of them? What is your reason for meeting me knowing that i can't? I really wish to know...
You asked me to enjoy myself...i brought up this point during the quarrel. You said it at least twice. Once on friday night and 2nd time on saturday morning. But you asked me..."can't your hear that i am sounding sarcastic?" seriously i can't. You sounds sincered and serious to me. If you don't mean it, don't say it out. Why say it out and you can't do it? If that is the case, i rather you don't say such thing to make me happy and in the end...you don't mean what you said...making me super disapointed.
Right now, I just hope to that you will be busier. I can spend my days alone, have meal on my own..bored at home knowing that you have something on...but you cant. Perhaps you are too bored for too long. Perhaps when school reopen, things will get better.
Over the phone on saturday, i said that perhaps you are too bored at home, that is why you got irrated and lost temper. I gave example that perhaps you get busier with career.....you will not feel that bored..has got something to keep you occupied..time will pass faster. You got angry and asked me not to blame you if you were to get a job and will not have time to meet me for months. I said ok. Anyway, i never once blamed you for not meeting me or no time for me. You called again,asking me not to meet you on sunday because you are going out to look for job, asking me not to blame you. I agreed.
What happened on sunday? hahhaa....you are at home! look for jobs? don't meet for months? haha....just another "speaking from anger". Haiz....i really hate this. But what to do? I told you many times not to speak from anger. But you still did. And you turned back and blame me for not meeting you. Haha! how come is the other way round? I took your words seriously. But you said i should just stick to it and meet you at 3pm. . you are the 1 who ask me not to meet, and now ask me to meet. hahahaha...thinking back...it's abit childish la...but well..that's you when you quarrel..all sorts of things can come out from you. But towards the afternoon, we got better..after we got better, you said that you were hoping that i will coax you. We met, we went mega fair. The journey to mega fair was quiet. I did the talking, you only gave a sentence answer the most. We arrived, as usual, walking like strangers. I give in, althought i don't think i started this quarrel...(since jasmine's birthday)...i break the ice by holding your hands. At the moment, i was thinking...."oh man, you are a man! need a woman to coax you?" but thinking back...man are human too...but man are meant to have a bigger heart! Haiz, is okie la..i rather i coax you than walking like strangers. I only slept 2 hours the day before. We went malaysia for dinner and petrol this and that. You suggested to go home early.Yes, i was hoping to. But i through, what if you are sounding sacastic again? Asking me to go home and rest, but in the heart don't think this way? So i insist on staying out. Reached home at about 1am. Some times, during a quarrel...i really hope to shut up and let you venge you scold..let you win... But i can't...but i will learn to.
Today, sicked....after so many nights of unhappiness....not enough rest...You just suggested me to go over your place and sleep tonight, so that i don't need to wake up early tomorrow morning to go LTA. But my mum is the biggest problem. She will never allow it. haha....Today you asked me out for dinner..but my mum cooked. Your sounds disappointed. But what can i do? So i said i will ask my mum not to cook every monday, starting from next week.
Your gf is really tired le....She is greedy, She wants family, she wants bf, she wantes friends. She cannot give up any. She just want everyone around her to be happy. So as a bf, pls....don't force her to give up any. You know....every time i pray, i pray that my bf can be more understanding..and that we can quarrel lesser. But it is not fulfill yet.
Definately, this time, i cried because of this r/s, more or less will affect us. Because i once told myself, "the guy that makes me cry, can't be the right guy for me." If he loves me, he will not want to see me cry...of cuz, not even make me cry. But i know you really loves me. So, i am putting this statement aside. I am really tired....
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