Tuesday, June 15, 2010 @ 10:06 AM
16th June 2010It's the 2nd time in 10 months i asked for a "take a 1 week break". My endurance and patient is reaching and i need a break to recharge myself. I had enough of your nonsense. No space for more. I doesn't know where to start with. I am blogging all that i can think of.
As usual, this 10 months i hasn't see this change...and that is never stick to what you said and don't speak out of anger. Today, ask me to meet yishun,seng keng, tell me meet, tell me don't meet. All these came from you within an half an hour. This saturday and next saturday supposingly i have things on. This saturday is caroline's birthday, next saturday will be having lunch and dinner with Eric and Thiong yam. To me, i doesn't like people to change things because of just because of me. For caroline's birthday, everyone can make it on saturday..if i tell them i can't, all 6 have to change to suits me. For next saturday, thong yam i booking in on sunday, 8.30pm. So in order to have lunch and dinner, saturday will be a nicer day. Since everything fixed nicely, i don't wish to change a date because of me. But in the end it happened. I request for a change..to sunday instead, all because of you. True, you will be bored at home on saturday..but have you think for me? why make things dificult for me?
Perhaps different people has got different thinking. You might want the whole world to give up because of you in order to feel loved. But for me, i don't like to make things difficult, i'll try to suit the crowd. I doesn't like people to give up something because of me. I want them to be happy.
Like i said, i am greedy. I want friends, i want family and i want you. I doesn't want to give up on any. So all i hope for is understanding from all 3 groups.My friends understood me, know that i have a bf, so they cut down contact with me...cut down on mahjong sessions, outings. I only turn up once a blue moon. Family understood me that i have a bf, so i only accompanied my mum once a month? Driving her out once a month is not too much right? as i don't stay with her. Now, left you.When and how can i make you understand and willingly,happily give me the time i need for with my friends and family? I am not you... i wouldn't give up on friends and families because of love. Because i appreciate and tresure them. I wounldn't give up on you because of them too.That's why no comments from the will affect my feeling towards you. Because i treasure you. I just want a balance life. Sounds simple. But its difficult.
I really don't know why i am eduring all these. All i gain from these endurance is unhappiness. Everytime we quarrel, i really miss my singlehood. Freedom. If not because of my family, i would have broke up with you long ago. Its because i doesn't want to get questioned and spend time explaining to them. I press on. Let's see how long more i can press myself. When the time comes, Questions from families will not be an issue for me. All i want is to pursuit my happiness.
I apologies for describing you as "good-for-nothing". I accidentally sent you the sms i wanted to send to my listener ear. It's not possible for me to tell you in your face that your are good-for-nothing right? but i need to clear my heart. So i threw it all out to my listening ear and i got caught. haiz. blame me for my stupidity and carlessness.
Why do i come to this conclusion that you are good for nothing? what have you achieved in your 26 years of life? studies...drop out half way, career...no career as yet...failed 2nd insurance test...In a relationship, all you know is you love me, can't live without me..all you want to know is how much i love and care for you...all you know is to create quarrels for attentions. Have you thought of what are the things i want from my man? What is the things i need? I feel insecured. If i were you, i feel like a failure. MY THINKING:At the age of 26, i should be planning for marriage and settle down. But now i have nothing. I know that there is no point regretting, so with that, i'll push myself even harder and spend more time studying and work hard for my insurance exam and not spending time quarreling with gf over small issue or feeling disappointed when you cant get a hamster or spend time playing with hamsters. Sorry to say so, but i am explaining why i said you are good for nothing and why until today, i still can't give you the vow that you will be my future husband. Because you really failed to give me sense of security. I can't see a future in you as yet. So stop complaining and quarreling over all these issue. It's never because of a 3rd party, stop your nonsense thinking. I need a man who knows how to balance his life. Not having too much of everything. Balance.
Anyway it's indeed my fault for decribing you as "good-for-nothing". It's a way too strong verb. My apology, i am sorry.
Hopefully this 1 week is enough for me to cool down and recharge myself. I really had enough. I am really tired. There is a limit to everyone's endurance. No doubt i still love you. But, hahaha...don't know why. Although you are 26, i feel as if i am still in love with a 16 yr old teenager. hahaa..perhaps i am more serious when it comes to family and career not not just love. Love is everything to you, but its not everything to me as yet. Perhaps i am more realistic. I work to fufill my dreams but you are still sitting on it. hahaha....
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